Do You Feel Lost or Unfulfilled In The Realm Of Relationships?

If you’re single…

  • Are you struggling with difficulties from a recent break-up?
  • Does it seem that you’re repeating the same painful relationship patterns over and over and over again?
  • Do you feel defeated, stuck and confused?
  • Do you wish you knew how to find the right kind of relationship and build the supportive, sustainable bond you’ve been searching for?

If you’re partnered…

  • Do you feel deeply lonely and unseen, even when your partner is right beside you?
  • No matter how hard you try, does it seem that you are always doing something wrong?
  • After years or decades together, does your relationship feel more and more empty, unsatisfying or stifling?
  • Do you wish you knew ways to reconnect with your partner, manage conflict and nurture a deep, vibrant love?

Maybe you were once certain that you’d found the right person. But now, after so much hurt, tension and miscommunication, the person you fell in love with might feel like a stranger—or worse, like an enemy.

Do you worry that you just don’t know how to have a healthy relationship? Are you searching for a meaningful connection built on shared patience, understanding and growth?

We All Have Unique Relationship Needs And Challenges

Countless dramas spring from the myth that there is “the one.”

Then,

SCENE: sunset beach

CUE: pleasant music with strings…

…love will carry you both right through to happily ever after…

That’s good enough for a romantic movie, but after a couple hours or days or years you’re back on the pavement saying, “Where is the warm glow?”

Love is a powerful force. But, the truth is that no partner is the perfect “one,” and every relationship goes through phases that feel too hot or too cold.

The truth is that relationships take work. We have to find our “close enough” and put in conscious effort to maintain a healthy connection.

But, by no fault of our own, few of us grow up learning the tools required to do this work. We’re born into this world with few instincts, except to look to those closest to us—our primary caregivers, often our parents—in search of warmth and caring, and to get our needs acknowledged and met.

Like many other people, you are likely still searching for the warmth, caring and support you didn’t find earlier in your life—perhaps without realizing it. To make matters more complicated, those you’ve partnered with are likely doing the same.

Of course, if you don’t know what you need from relationships, it’s very, very hard to get those needs met. When partners lack the words to communicate your needs, conflict and disconnection inevitably follow.

Thankfully, with the guidance of an experience relationship therapist, it is possible to identify and discover what you’ve been searching for.

With Relationship Therapy, Develop Deep Self-Awareness And Self-Compassion

As George Carlin says, “It’s my stuff, but it’s your shit.”

When you are struggling with hurt, frustration and unmet needs, you likely want your partner to see you and help you feel better. And if they don’t, you might suspect that their hurt, frustration and unmet wants are behind your relationship problems.

Relationships should be places of support and acceptance; however, the truth is, you are the only one who can manage your “stuff.” The first step toward sharing a relationship with another is having a relationship with yourself.

In therapy you can:

  • Explore and understand your relationship history.
  • Identify what you need out of relationships and how you’ve tried to get those needs met.
  • Develop a new ability to recognize your role in relationship conflict, replacing harsh self-judgment with kindness and forgiveness for who you used to be.
  • Learn from the past and revise your behavior in the present.
  • Be gentle and kind with yourself as you continue to evolve as a partner and person.

Build A Mindful Relationship With A Loving Partner

Love does not consist of gazing at each other but looking outward in the same direction.

–Antoine de Saint-Exupery

A healthy relationship provides you and your partners an opportunity to become the very best versions of yourselves.

However, that doesn’t mean asking your partner to become perfect, or feeling as though you have to be perfect yourself. Instead, it means negotiating compromise and offering both gentle encouragement and loving acceptance. It means being willing to make adjustments and be patient as your partner does the same.

Long-term relationships are a delicate balancing act of closeness and space. During relationship therapy, you can:

  • Let go of the idea of a perfect “one” and accept your partner as a complex human with much to offer and room to grow.
  • Learn the value of presuming your partner’s good will and good intentions.
  • Know how to fight fair, focusing on behaviors that can be changed rather than complaining about their character flaws.
  • Practice the art of saying “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”
  • Develop strategies for dealing with conflict in a relationship.
  • Know your partner has the way they like it, and you have the way you like it, and make reasonable adjustments that serve you both.

Learn New Ways To Reflect And Connect

In any relationship, you are the only person you can change. Counseling can help you make careful, considered changes. Then, you can begin to give and receive patience, acceptance, intimacy and care.

No one is born knowing how to do these things. I am no exception. Thanks to 40 years as a counselor and a lifetime of negotiating my own romantic relationships—including breakups, marriage and divorce—I know that relationship challenges can feel hopeless.

I was fortunate in finding the traditional tools and discoveries in the science of relationships that helped me, as well as a therapist who helped be apply them to my life. Today I offer

counseling to share what I have learned—and continue to learn. As a Zen Buddhist priest, pastoral counselor and Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I hope I can help you.

You may have questions or concerns about individual relationship counseling…

Are you going to encourage me to break up with my partner?

What I can offer you is insight and perspective.

I’m not going to force or pressure you to do anything you don’t want. As a relationship therapist, I am an observer and witness, helping you unravel your experience with fresh eyes.

That means I will validate your experience and help you distinguish between the normal ebbs and flows of relationship and the signs of a toxic situation. Remember that relationship should be a place to grow, not suffocate.

If your relationship is simply going through a rough spot, I can help you can help you advocate for your needs and make appropriate changes to benefit your relationship.

In any case, I am on your side.

I’m ashamed of my tumultuous romantic history, and I doubt relationship therapy can really help.

I have been counseling people for 40 years, and I’ve heard such a remarkable range of experience that I am rarely surprised or shocked. I know the feeling of loneliness, in and of itself, feeds shame. Know that, whatever you’ve experienced, you are not alone.

And, ideally, therapy is a healthy relationship with a skilled, experienced guide, shaped by positive feedback. I am not here to pass judgment or choose sides (there are plenty of others willing to do that). What I am here to do is help you evolve.

I’m afraid to get to know myself. What if it is me?

The most difficult person to have a relationship with is yourself. As your counselor, I will hold you with non-judgmental regard, helping you view your past with compassion and maybe even a bit of wisdom.

You can begin to believe, at your core, that you can build a secure attachment. Then, you can begin to build a healthy, mindful relationship with someone else.

And, once you know that you’re loved, and that you truly love someone else, you can extend that healing to the world.

Share Loving Kindness

If you are interested in learning more about relationship therapy, I invite you to email me at info@mtsutra.com to schedule a free, 10–15-minute phone consultation. You can ask any questions you have about my therapy approach and my practice.

A new set of eyes and ears about what is going with you, he, she, they, zee, us and thee is often helpful. To sample the wealth of information out there and learn more about the science about relationships, see my bibliography and references page. And, check out the work of Mark Manson, particular his e-book, “Emotional Needs in Relationships.”

And there is “The Nail.”