Is A Divorce, Custody Battle, Or Other Men’s Issue Putting You Through Hell?
Are you wondering how to survive divorce or breakup? If you’ve recently ended a relationship, you may be experiencing grief, stress, anxiety, or depression, especially if that breakup also involves a custody battle, sexual harassment accusation, or sexual identity transition.
Is your ex or partner toxic or vindictive? They know exactly how to press your emotional buttons, and they may be using that knowledge against you. Do you feel that they are deliberately antagonizing you at every opportunity?
If you have children together, your partner might even make every effort to take them away from you if you separate. Even if you’re a nurturing parent, you may not know the first thing about how to win a custody battle as a father in a legal system where—according to the U.S. Census Bureau—women are more than four times more likely to be granted custody. Moreover, your ex might place unreasonable visitation restrictions on you and your child, making it hard to build or sustain a close, nurturing relationship. They may even try to poison your children against you with lies and insults.
Financial burdens are another common men’s issue. If you’re facing alimony or child support payments and are looking for a new place to live, it may be difficult to maintain your role as a provider. A recent job loss or disability diagnosis may also have jeopardized your role as breadwinner.
The loss of that provider role can lead to self-esteem and masculinity issues—if you’re accustomed to being a husband and an involved father and suddenly all you do is send a check you might struggle with feelings of worthlessness. Certainly, there is grief involved; you’ve lost the primary relationships that you have used to describe who you were in the world.
Healthy relationships can be a source of great joy, but unhealthy relationships can often cause pain and overwhelming despair. The loss of a partner and/or child can also be isolating, causing many men to suffer in silence. Fortunately, there are many available resources that offer mental health support for men, including relationship therapy and counseling for fathers, as well as local community support groups.
Post-Separation Distress Is Very Common Among Men
More than 800,000 divorces occur in the U.S. every year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Depression rates among divorced men and women are higher than among married couples, and divorce tends to hit men especially hard. According to a study published in the American Journal of Men’s Health, “Divorced men have higher rates of mortality, substance abuse, depression, and lack of social support.”
Going through a breakup/divorce or having their children taken away are among the most devastating issues men face. Men are acculturated with the idea that they’re supposed to do something when they encounter a problem, not feel something. That’s why emotional situations that are difficult to control can lead men to frustration, helplessness, and hopelessness.
Men are also far less likely to seek mental health assistance than women, according to Mental Health America. In our culture of toxic individuation men live with an underlying mythos that we should accomplish everything on our own. This “true grit” mentality may have worked for John Wayne, but unless you’re a
Hollywood megastar, that attitude doesn’t work for most men.
If you’re struggling with feeling that your life has spiraled out of control, post-separation depression, anxiety, your masculinity, or other men’s issues; therapy can help. An open-hearted, compassionate therapist might act as the support you need, like the hand up from your team mate that gets you back on your own feet and back into the game.
Men’s Issues Therapy
As a result of both biology and acculturation men and women handle stress differently. In high school, girls huddle together in groups and talk when they want to solve a problem. Boys, on the other hand, are more likely to avoid processing difficult emotions by doing something physical, like throwing a basketball around. In a school setting, experienced grief counselors will let the girls aggregate in clumps to talk, and get the boys involved in some sort of activity.
As a male therapist, I understand that men have unique needs, so I tailor my sessions accordingly. For those that find it helpful, I offer sessions walking outside in the wilderness if we can get there. Because many men are out of touch with their emotions, I also offer mind-body awareness exercises. Through breathwork and grounding meditations, you can learn how to pick up on your body’s emotional cues so you can respond more appropriately to yet unhealed trauma. You’ll start your work on emotional regulation, learning to stay better grounded in difficult situations.
I’ll also teach you some communication skills. You may still be stuck dealing with a difficult ex or other relatives after a separation, so I can give you some of the social skills you’ll need to interact with them successfully. And if your ex is trying to turn your kids against you, I’ll teach you to be an antidote instead of just another poison.
We’ll also brainstorm ways to satisfy your unmet needs. For example, if you’re frustrated by an unfair legal system, I might encourage you to get politically active or to join a local support group. If you’re struggling to fill the void of a lost child, I might suggest ways for you to be a father to another child in need in your community.
My willingness to sit and simply experience your grief with you is perhaps even more important than any technique I use or advice I offer. I won’t just listen to you—I am willing to step inside your suffering and experience it with you. I know from personal experience and my work with past clients that this can be a powerful tool for healing.
I provide men’s issues therapy that can help you develop greater ease, comfort, and well-being. As you honor your emotions, your intentions, and your best self you’ll be more fully present for your children and other loved ones, better know yourself, and become someone others truly want to spend time with.
As you consider therapy for men’s issues, you may wonder…
Does “needing therapy” mean I’m weak?
The cultural pressure for men to pretend like everything is all right perpetuates the myth that men don’t need help with emotional issues. If you think you’re the only person struggling, you need to wake up and look around. Relationship issues are happening to guys all around you, but many of them aren’t courageous enough to defy the stereotype and ask for help.
You don’t have any choice but to start from where you are. If you feel weak, that’s something for us to investigate. If you feel out of control, let’s look at that.
If you wanted to improve your athletic performance, you’d closely examine each element of your stance, game plan, follow-through, and attitude to figure out what small changes you might make to perform better. You can approach your emotional performance in the same way when you start to view your supposed “weaknesses” as an entryway for transformative self-inquiry and self-awareness.
The crazy people in my life are what’s causing all the problems, not me. Why should I go to therapy?
You got this far reading this page because you are willing to take a look at the one person you have the power to affect. You can’t change other people, so self-improvement is one of the few options available to you. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, you may have been inadvertently inviting difficult situations into your life. By building awareness of your unconscious thought patterns and the actions that led to your current circumstances (which, like it or not, includes your personal history), you’ll learn how to deescalate emotional situations and hopefully make better future choices.
I’m not sure I can afford therapy.
What are you worth? If you’re going through hell, what would you pay to have someone show you the way out? A skilled psychologist, Jack Kornfield, helped me out of my own personal hell, and since I’m certain that the fortune I had earned in the previous ten years would never repay him (and besides, my ex took it with her), I set out to do for others what he had done for me. It took me ten years to rise to journeyman level of competence. I became a licensed professional with a background rooted in compassionate practices. I am willing to walk with you through the flames of your own realm of hell and suffering and help you begin to heal.
Mental Health Support For Men
Every person’s situation is unique, and I know that I can’t ever understand fully what you’re going through. But I’m ready and willing to stand next to you while you go through it, so that you can learn. I’m prepared to share my vulnerability with you; I offer you my open heart.
If you think you’re up to the challenge of looking deeply at your own heart and mind, and if you’re ready to do the difficult and rewarding work of becoming a happier, more integrated person, I want to work with you. There will be difficult days and hard nights where you might think that ditchdigging or leaving town forever might be easier than this work. But think of the promises you made to your child when you first looked deeply at her or him, and the commitments of those people who have been there for you.
Become the man that you can be.
Call me at (970) 391-7220 to schedule an appointment or for a free, 15-minute phone consultation.